TravelBlog Special Edition: The SleazyJet-Schoenfeld Extortion Saga

If you want to skip to the punchline of this travel war-story, here you go: EasyJet is a complete fucking SCAM. Don’t be fooled by their cheap façade. Take a train or (ideally) a bus instead.

There are two important things to know about me:

1) Don’t sell me stuff I don’t need.

2) Don’t take advantage of me or the people I care about...

We arrived to the S-Bahn station for Schoenfeld airport about 45 minutes before the flight to Geneva. We knew we were cutting it close, but we didn’t realize that the S-9 train that goes there is notorious for not following the schedule.

So Felix goes with his carryon luggage to the flight, and I wait in the short line to check my baggage. I finally put my baggage on the counter, and the guy tells me to bring it to a different counter. I bring it there, the guy complains that I have no tag, and then sends me where I came from. Then another worker lady informs me that I have missed my flight (note: it is 8:25, my flight leaves at 8:56). I think this is ridicuious, and she continues that checked luggage ends 40 minutes before the flight ends, I take no issue with this policy in theory (and I did show up 35 minutes before the flight), but when she insulted other people later for not knowing these rules ahead of time, I was appalled as it says NOTHING about the 40 minute rule on your boarding pass. Maybe it said it online when I bought my ticket, and if so, I claim responsibility for that, but for fucks sake, put it on the bloody BOARDING PASS.

So this lady clearly wants nothing to do with me. I seem to remember EasyJet doing some sort of gate-checked luggage. I ask if I can do that, and she says yes (note, she didn’t OFFER to let me do this, which I find pretty annoying). It will costs me 50 euro to gate check my bag at the gate. Well shit, what are my other options? I ask how much it will cost if I skip the flight. She informs me that I will have to pay a flight change fee, which I recall being at least 50-75 euro. So OK, I’ll eat the 50 euro, there’s still hope.

She runs my credit card. Doesn’t work. Debit card. Doesn’t work (yes - I called BofA before my trip, and they know I’m in Berlin). She’s clearly annoyed with me, and then three guys come up behind me also late for the same flight – and they’d come from POLAND – a 3 hour drive. So now I ask, thinking I’ve run out of nine lives here, if I can pay cash. I CAN? REALLY? Why didn’t you tell me that in the first place? Fortunately, I have a 100 euro note left over. Hope is still alive. She sends me to the ticket counter so that they can complete the cash “transaction” (extortion is a better).

Finally I have everything set, and can go through security. As I leave, I hastily explain to the Polish guys to ask about gate checking, but I’m not sure they knew what it was, and I had to look out for myself at that point because it’s now almost 8:40.

First lady has no idea what gate checked luggage is. Fortunately I get across what is going on to her, and get into the short line. In line, people are willing to cut to the front. Of course now I can’t bring on any of my liquids, which makes me really sad, as I had to give up a present I was planning to bring home:

My best friend Noah’s step-grandpa has been very sick for awhile, and I had bought some bottles of Flensburger Pilsner in Hamburg (Flensburg is said step-grandpa’s hometown) to take home with me for Noah’s family. But no, gate checked luggage counts as hand luggage. Of course the baggage lady has to be rude about this fact. Not sure if it’s the same way in the states, but the guy actually checking the baggage offers to split the beers with me, which is normally a funny joke, but I’M TRYING TO GET MY FLIGHT. She glares at him, takes my beer, and scowls at me again. Everyone in line is yelling at her because this rule is clearly groundless.

But fine, it can’t be changed. I HAVE TO GET TO MY FLIGHT. I inform the guy that my flight is in five minutes, and he laughs. Thanks for the well wishes…It’s funny, I’ve primarily had only good experiences with TSA workers in the US. No issues in Canada either. First time at a European airport…OK well n(airport)=1 + n(workers)=5 or so are pretty small sample sizes, so I’ll reserve judgment. And maybe I can find some Flensburger in Zurich, or something!

Up to this point, I can’t fault you if you truly think this is entirely my fault. If you’re one of those people, I hope you’ll pay full attention here:

So I spring to my gate, arriving about 8:50, and the ENITIRE FLIGHT IS UNBOARDED, and herded like sheep into a tiny RyanAir gate. Felix is incredibly relieved to see that I’ve made it. In fact, the flight is pretty clearly delayed. So I WAS in fact there within 40 minutes, but EasyJet opted not to update the departure time to reflect the fact that we wouldn’t be leaving on time. If they had, I would not have been charged 50 euros, and could’ve checked my bag. Instead, I gather that my bag was the first fucking bag on the plane.

Not to mention that my lungs are all fucked up from all the smoking I’ve had to be around the last 10 days, so I’m completely out of breath, and now don’t have my bottle of water. Actually, writing this an hour later, I STILL haven’t had any water. Just on principle because I’m not paying EasyJet another fucking cent for water (2.50 euro for a bottle, to be precise).

We ended up boarding our flight 20 minutes late. As I described above, if I checked in 35 minutes before a flight that is 20 minutes late, that should be like saying I checked in 55 minutes before my flight. But thanks to EasyJet, that delay was not registered, and I almost missed my flight, and essentially bribed them 50 euro to get on the plane. See it however you want – 35 or 55 minutes, and you want to tell me I’ve missed my flight? Fuck your company.

While we were waiting in line, Felix relays his own annoying story. EasyJet allows one bag of a certain size onto the plane. He has a backpack and a piece of luggage. So the lady who didn’t know what a gate-checked bag was (and works security at an airport, hah), got mad at him for that. So he puts the backpack in the luggage, with all his stuff in it. This of course makes everything OK - *sigh*. When he got to the gate, they made the same stink, as he’d taken his backpack back out. He said that the gate lady was shocked when she found out he could just put his backpack in the luggage. But he’s flown EasyScam many times before, and knew the rules of the game, so he was prepared.

Of course when we did board the flight, I got to experience EasyJet’s wonderful boarding procedure. Assigned seats, let people board all at once, from the front AND back of the plane. Because that strategy will work SO, SO, SO WELL. Has nobody taken a psychology class? A math class? Any class that will give you any idea how people operate? I guess not. So the flight took a good 30 minutes to board, and I guess the plane was sitting there in the below-freezing water, that they had to spray the plane with hot water. Because that sight is really reassuring. I did luck into an aisle seat somehow – I’ll take the small victory. Anyway, we eventually took off, and the Polish guys were nowhere to be seen – shit.

Not really sure if I can dispute anything since I paid in cash. I’m out about 75$ US, but I’m on the flight, and so is my baggage. It’s a war story alright, all a part of traveling, but I’m pretty disappointed in this airline.

I guess the Easy in EasyJet simple means that when they’re done using you, and extorting you, you’ll feel so easy. That’s more or less how I feel right now. The irony of this situation, is that the only reason I immediately thought to ask about gate-checking my bag, was from reading myriads of horror stories on the internet about EasyJet’s baggage policies, back when I was buying this ticket in September. Yet again, Yelp [and other customer service sites] don’t lie. My research saved my ass, even if I did have to pay out my ass for it. Yet again, I have adapted and problem solved a situation on my own in a foreign country – that means I’m maturing, and staying focused, which means this trip is continuing to be an incredible success.

I will never fly EasyJet again. If you are traveling in Europe, I hope you will think twice before flying with this extortive company because what they do is just not OK.

Anyway, I get to Geneva tonight, spend tomorrow in the city (SWISS FONDUE TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!!!!!), Wednesday on the train (stopping in Berne and Lucerne, I believe), Wednesday evening and all of Thursday in Zurich (CouchSurfing – the cheapest hostel is 50 euro!) My host seems incredibly kind, and is even willing to put up with the fact that I have to get up to go to the airport at some ungodly early hour Friday morning – and she lives near the airport, and is picking me up from the train station on Wednesday. Awesome.

For about an hour there, I really felt like I’d had it with Europe and was ready to come home…but nah, traveling rules and I’m excited for my three days in Switzerland!

On the whole, the people we met in Germany could not have been nicer. The unprompted advice and kindness we were shown by people who clearly love the cities in which they reside, natively or not, was really warming to Felix and me (amongst the freezing weather!)

And to those of you world travelers out there (I’m looking at you, Jesse Day) what’s backpacking without some absolutely inane travel complications?